The Flicker

Name.

That.

Flick!

“Don’t you worry.  If they could get a washing machine to fly, my Jimmy could land it.”

A Boy and His Dog

1975

Rated R

Directed by: L. Q. Jones

Source: Netflix

Plot: Think Mad Max but with Don Jonson and the dog from Fraggle Rock.

Acting: Quite laughable. Its a very young Don Jonson plus the dog can talk.

Special Effects: Extremely low budget + made in 1975 = muwhahaha!

The Skinny: This flick quickly moves from strange to peculiar to downright WTF?!?

We open in the year 2024 in an America apparently destroyed by the results of WWIV.  We are informed that the war only lasted 5 days, just enough time for the world’s nuclear weapons to turn our environment into a barren wasteland.  The survivors are few in numbers and even rarer are females.  And here is where we are introduced to our hero Vic played by a young Don Johnson.

Show here years before the invention of t-shirt under pastel suit coat with sockless loafers.

We see Vic ducking behind a sand dune watching a group of men in the distance.  As the men leave Vic jumps up running to where the men had been.  Suddenly we hear a gruff regal narrative voice warning him that one man still remains in the area the group had been and Vic should hide.  As Vic dives behind another dune I’m wondering who this voice belongs to.  Who is guiding Vic seemingly telepathically, keeping him out of danger.  After the men have disappeared and the danger gone the voice of Vic’s guardian angel trots into frame.  It is a dog and he can communicate with Vic via telepathy.

I has a hotdog?

I said you'll get your popcorn when I get this corn popped!

 

Now that we've survived the Green Lantern u may ravish me.

So as you can imagine the night goes well for Vic.  Not so much for Blood, imagine being a kid and walking in on your parents and then having the door lock behind you.  Not pretty.  But as this romantic night unfolds we discover this honey is actually from an underground settlement called Topeka and was sent to ground level in search of a man of desirable characteristics.  As night turns into morning Blood informs them it is safe to exit their hiding place and Vic pleads with the girl to forget her home and push forth with them.  She replies with a strike to his noggin, knocking him out.  When Vic regains consciousness, she is long gone although it appears she has left some type of swipe card behind.  How convenient.  Vic still feeling the afterglow of the night’s activities decides to pursue his new love against Blood’s misgivings.  After a day of walking they discover the apparent entrance to the underground community.  Blood is set against joining Vic and decides to sit this one out.  Vic no longer thinking with his head uses the swipe card to gain entrance and disappears into the abyss.

Cya later dawg!

Here we move from peculiar to WTF?!?  Vic finds the community and discovers it is run by the committee.  By mandate everyone wears this creepy mime makeup while propaganda constantly spews from speakers scattered throughout the camp.  The committee is made up of three senior members and makes all decisions regarding the community.  They attempt to befriend Vic and recruit him for their needs.  See in order for their little happy family to keep going they obviously need to reproduce but this can only happen so many times until the procreation is powered by incest.  As you can imagine although as strange as they are this is frowned upon.  So they had sent up their chick-a-dee to find a strapping young man to return and impregnate their women of child bearing age.  Vic being a man is ecstatic and pledges his promise to help.  Hey a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, right? 

Next order of business: who is gonna bang our Bettys?

Careful what you wish for, Vic.  In the next scene Vic finds out exactly what the committee had in mind when they asked his help and it didn’t involve (as I’m sure Vic pictured) runnin’ a train thru deez ho’s.  Instead Vic is shown strapped to a hospital bed with a vacuum tube attached to his twig-n-berries.  A preacher stands next to him while a line of ladies in wedding dresses extends out into the hallway.  And as his man juice is extracted he is ceremonial wed to each woman in turn.  Man, talk about buzz-kill!  Lucky for Vic the next gal in line is the sweet pea he met upstairs in the real world and she proceeds to break him out, sucker punching the preach and rescuing Vic.  As the two run away with sirens blaring, the committee sends their muscle man after them.  Which we soon find out is not really a man at all.

Oh hai! I will be killing you now.

Their daring escape is successful due to some local help and some quick thinking by Vic.  I didn’t think he had it in him!  Our newly ordained hero explains how she is tired of the committee and their commune and wants to accompany Vic into the real world.  Vic just being happy to be off the operating table agrees to her request and they bust out of the basement mime-town.  When they reach the surface, unfortunately Blood is no where to be found.  Vic is visibly distraught realizing that he’s picked tail over his one true friend.  Suddenly Blood’s raspy narrative voice is heard by Vic and he discovers him laid out a few yards away.  Blood is in bad shape.  Unable to forge for food while Vic was gone, he is on the brink of starvation.  As Vic stands over him unsure of what to do next, his new arm candy begs him to abandon his best friend and continue on with just her.  Not a good move sista.

The final scene is the cherry on top of this fucked up sundae.  Only Vic and Blood are seen walking away from a smoldering fire pit.  The two joke back and forth as Blood obviously is feeling better than previously.  And then Blood referring to Vic’s girlfriend, delivers one of the greatest lines to end the film:

“Well, I’d certainly say she had marvelous judgment……if not particularly good taste.”

Yeah that's right. They ate the bitch.

The Verdict:

From its tag line, “A rather kinky tale of survival” I figured A Boy and His Dog was going to be a bit on the kooky side.  But I kept running into this flick all over, it seemed every critic’s top ten sci-fi movie list included this bad boy and it was usually described as an under appreciated gem.  So, I had to give it a shot.  In the weird department, the story is rubber stamped approved.  From the telepathic dog to the mime makeup wearing geezers, this flick constantly had me going What the What?  Now typically I love these kind of flicks, stories of the strange and all, but here I think it fell a bit short.  I don’t know if it was Don Johnson’s performance or the feeling that Blood’s voice didn’t seem right or the lack of good special effects but even though I chuckled at the last line of the film, when the credits rolled I felt unsatisfied.  I would still suggest checking it out but only in the name of scientific study.  The weirdness is reason enough but don’t go into it ready for a classic.  It’s more of a quirky one-hit wonder.

Word to your mutha.

The Business of Being Born

2008

Rated NR

Directed by: Abby Epstein

Source: Netflix

Plot: Exploring the dangers of our culture’s hospital driven childbirth methods.

Acting: None here.  Just real interviews with real people.

Special Effects: Again none here.  Although childbirth is pretty close to a special effect!

The Skinny: Example of how our health care system causes ill health and gives crap care.

The Business of Being Born is an interesting documentary that dives into our current cultural belief that a woman must give birth inside the walls of a hospital.  It swims through the reasons that brought us to this kind of thinking.  It climbs the corporate ladder of health care bureaucracy and it rides shotgun on a speed boat of new-way thinking.  During our  nautical journey we meet all the players; preggos, doctors, nurses, and corporate stuffed shirts of the hospital and insurance industry.  Now, there are two things to be aware of before viewing this film.  1) Yes, there are boobies.  But remember, these are naked preggos and yes, they’re doing the baby birthing thing.  2) Our flick is brought to us from the mind of Ricki Lake who naturally plays a heavy character throughout.

"Wait, did you just call me heavy?"

So, if you can get past those two things then let’s jump in and break this flick down.  Well, it begins with a slap to the face.  According to our film, the US has the second worst newborn death rate in the developed world.  Wait, what?  Yes in all countries of the world considered developed our babies are dying more than most.  Seriously, let that sink in.  Now I admit, I have no idea where their data comes from or even what they consider a developed country but I still felt like I was high-fived in the face.  Needless to say, they got my attention.  So with the problem established, my immediate question is why do we have this issue here in what we’re told is the greatest country on Earth?  And what’s implied is fault lies with our hospitals and their need to treat our mothers like customers in a fast food restaurant.  Rushing them in and out that hospital bed by means of inducing labor or even unneeded Cesarean surgery.  Ok then, prove it to me and explain how we fix it.  The film decides first we need a history lesson.

Alright, so if we were to hitch a ride with H G Wells back to 1900, we’d find that 95% of births happen inside the home.  But if instead we jumped in the phone booth with Bill & Ted and went back to 1938, it would be 50%.  Now if we decided eff those dudes and we love Guy Pierce and would prefer watching him defeat a desperately in need of a tan version of Jeremy Irons and wound up in 1955, only 1% of all births here in the US happened in the home.  And why is that?  Well, around that time the health care industry and specifically hospitals starting popping up everywhere and those hospitals had empty beds.  So like any good capitalistic business venture, the stuffed shirts in charge needed to come up with ways to fill those beds and thus make more money.  They put their sights on childbirth.  Now if you have this fancy new hospital but yet most mothers still prefer to give birth at home with the help of a mid-wife, what do you do?  Sling some mud of course.  They began circulating fliers that basically painted the mid-wife and doula with the same brush as a witch doctor.  Claiming it was old science and actually dangerous to the health of the baby.  And it seemed to work.  Business was booming.  They came up with new names for specialized doctors and new wings for the hospitals that were for childbirth only.  But there was a problem.  We still didn’t know that much about the act of childbirth and most doctors being hired were trained in surgery and had never even been involved in the birth of a child.  In fact the procedures they used back then were flat out creepy.  See back then the drug given to the expectant mother for the pain actually didn’t relieve the pain but more make the woman forget about it or not be aware of it.  The side effect?  It turned them into a flipped out crazy crackhead.  Their arms would flail, their legs would kick, some doctors were even attacked!  Ok so maybe then we need to come up with a better drug for our gals.  Nope, we’ll just put ‘em in restraints and forget about them into the baby comes.  Don’t believe me? 

Mmhmm. And this is tame compared to some of the other pics!

So after they were able to change public opinion regarding having a child in the home and more and more women were having their children inside a hospital, the drug companies decided to join the party.  New drugs, new forms of pain relief began saturating the market.  This was during the early years of feminism and common ideal was, hey I’m a modern woman and a modern woman shouldn’t feel the labor pains of childbirth.  What was lost in all of this was just how important laboring through contractions was to the birthing process.  How the brain works, the release of chemicals, the bond to baby, all can be affected when mom is all shot up on the eppy.  Seriously, let’s think about this logically.  What sounds more sensible?  Giving birth in an up-right position either standing or sitting allowing gravity to assist in the birthing process.  Or lying on a hospital bed, legs stretched out, forcing mom to push and push fighting gravity the whole way.   Just doesn’t make sense to me.  Yet what do any of us think of when picturing a baby being born.  Exactly that.  The mom-to-be laying on a hospital bed, doctor and nurses all around, pops holding onto mom’s hand cheering her on: “push it out, push it out, waaaaaay out!”  See what a wonderful job they did years ago conditioning us to think that way.

C'mon in! I can't wait to get my hands on your....um....baby!!

And next is where this flick really drives its case home against the hospital mentality.  Once mom is registered in and shuffled to her room the clock starts ticking.  Remember, just like Olive Garden the more different people you get in and out of that table or in this case hospital bed, the more dollars some executive doosh can use to make it rain.  So the longer our gal lays in bed not going into labor not achieving those nice strong contractions the more money the hospital stands to not make.  Enter Pitocin and check out the clusterfuck it begins.  See Pitocin is a nice little drug that induces labor, specifically causes nice big strong contractions but with the nice big strong contractions comes a price.  And it retails in nice big strong pain.  So what to do about the pain.  Epidural to the rescue!  Now with the epidural our gal’s pain is reduced, she can’t feel shit down there, all is well and she is relaxed.  But wait, because of this the contractions also cool down, they are not as intense and labor slows down.  So time to turn up the Pitocin again.  And along with crankin’ up the Pitocin guess what else cranks up too.  Mmhmm, the pain.  Now I can attest to how sloppy a delivery can be with Pitocin and an epidural because of previous experience.  See Flicker Jr #1 was born in this same situation.  Mrs. Flicker was so numb down there she didn’t know a contraction from a ham sandwich and because of this they ended having to use vacuum-assist to get Flicker Jr out.  Mother of pearl but did little Jr come out looking like one of the coneheads from the SNL skits.

Da-Da?

In addition to the Pitocin/Epidural circle jerk, the film also brings up the alarming trend of elected Cesarean surgeries.  And this blows me away.  Again according to this flick, America now averages 1 out of every 3 births end in a C-section.  A surgery once held for extreme cases where mom or baby were in distress can now be freely chosen as a means to deliver.  This one works out for both parties.  Mom is happy because she’s knocked out and there is no pain and these days the scar isn’t even that bad.  The doctors and hospitals are happy because there is less chance to mess up and therefore less chance for lawsuits.  But at what cost?  Yes, I understand its convenient to schedule your delivery so it doesn’t interfere with next months Caribbean vacation but look at the big picture.  What is NOT happening during this type of birth?  Pain is a big one I know, but what else is not happening is the natural release of endorphins from mamma’s brain.  Endorphins that naturally help with the pain.  Chemicals that help mom build an attachment to baby.  What are the possibilities if these type natural occurrences cease to happen?  In fact the film references a study done with pregnant chimps where the babies were removed via C-section.  What happened was the mothers lacked that natural attachment.  In some cases straight up abandoning the poor baby chimps.  What could this lead to?  I have no idea but the movie makes a good point and I’m just sayin….

The Verdict:

Ok, so I went into this flick with the same preconceived ideas most people have regarding childbirth.  In fact, for Flicker Jr #3, Mrs Flicker wanted to have a home birth with the assistance of a mid-wife.  I talked her out of it hanging my hat on the argument that a hospital is best.  But after watching this documentary my perception has really changed.  Don’t get me wrong, the film does not maintain that every birth should be done at home.  Just most of them.  Just the normal, healthy ladies with no past history of problems.  In fact the director of this documentary was preggo during the filming and ended up needing a emergency C-section.  But see, she had planned a home birth.  The mid-wife was there and determined there could be issues and they went to the hospital.  I have to say once you look past your initial fears of what might happen (and I think you can say this about almost anything) and focus on what will happen things make much more sense.  Certain things come into focus, like what the hospital’s best interests really are, like how the whole hospital controlled child birth is really set up to make the doctor the most comfortable and not the mother, like how un-needed the cost burden is to all of us through health insurance costs related to how much it is to give birth at a hospital.  So yes, I would highly recommend this documentary and if you happen to be preggo or planning a preggo stretch in the future this baby should be required homework.

Please note:  I understand that by owning a pair of testicles I have not and will not ever experience the amount of pain involved with natural childbirth.

But isn't it worth it?

Name.

that.

Flick!

“It’s important to have a job that makes a difference, boys.  That’s why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.”

The Last Legion

2007

Rated PG-13

Directed by: Doug Lefler

Source: Netflix

Plot: An interesting tale connecting the fall of Rome to the rise of King Arthur.

Acting: Colin Firth as an action hero.  Seriously?

Special Effects: Unfortunately our great and powerful wizard only performs parlor tricks.

The Skinny: Was baited by this interesting take on history but they couldn’t reel me in.

An epic tale loosely based historically, The Last Legion starts at the end.  The end of Rome.  Specifically, the last Roman emperor Romulus Augustus.  As the movie begins he is just a boy, getting himself in trouble outside the palace walls enamored with a group of Roman soldiers.  See, General Aurelius (played by Colin Firth) has rolled into town upon request of Romulus’ pops yet he is unaware of why.  While the General is playing grabass with some old friends and fellow soldiers he sets his sword down as little Rommy peeks from behind a tent.   Such a fancy sword.  Encrusted in jewels.  Rommy must touch.  Bad news for boy-o because just as he sneeks into the tent to admire the sword with his fingerprints, Aurelius walks in catching him.  Oh it doesn’t look good.  A young boy with Aurelius’ sword in his grubby hands.  Thief!  He cries out and the boy is ushered to the rest of Aurelius’ Roman crew.  Not knowing who the punk really is, the soldiers berate the lad and threaten to cut off his claw as punishment.  In walks Jesus.  Well, not really Jesus but I’m sure to the Rommy he felt like his savior and for the record dude is wearing burlap.  But seriously, it really is Rommy’s tutor, friend, and now rescuer, Ambrosinus played by one Sir Ben Kingsley himself.  After a quick pow wow to assure the General the boy meant no harm Ambro shuffles Rommy on.  As they walk away a soldier takes a cheap shot and throws a rock at Ambrosinus.  ‘Bro spins around just in time to catch the stone mid-air and channeling David Copperfield opens his hand to expose only feathers.  The soldiers stare with mouths wide, catching flies.

30 years ago I played Gandhi now I'm changin this kid's diaper.

 Later that night the General is summoned by the father of Romulus and discovers why he had been beckoned to Rome in the first place.  He learns that Romulus will shortly become the new (and last) Caesar of Rome.  His duty?  Security detail, the boy needs a bodyguard.  The same boy who previously, if not for his teacher Ambrosinus, would have became the emperor with no right hand.  Speaking of ‘Bro, before this he gets kicked to the curb by Romulus’ father.  Apparently the father was never a fan of his Druid new age teaching techniques.  No worries though, Ambro doesn’t go far, he’ll be needed later.

So as the next day dawns, our wonderful little brat is coronated as burrito supreme #1 and all is happy and shiny.  As I’m sure you can guess, this doesn’t last long.  Later that evening, enter the Goths.  First off, no.  Rome was not invaded by a darkly clad, heavily applied black makeup and Marilyn Manson t-shirt wearing army.  These were barbarians and they are pissed.  So long story short, General Aurelius’ first official day on the job is his last.  Most of his crew is killed during the invasion while he is rendered unconscious waking up the next morn finding nothing but bodies.  Rommy is not among them but his parents are.  In fact Romulus has been taken prisoner by the Goth commander Odoacer and is sitting tight while Odoacer figures out what to do with the boy.

The return of Ambrosinus.  I told you he didn’t go far.  ‘Bro strides right into the Goth camp and talks the commander out of killing Rommy.  Something about the how the people of Rome would react to him executing a child.  I guess that was frowned upon, even back then.  So Odoacer reconsiders and delivers some good news/bad news to our man Ambro.  The good news: the boy will be spared although he is banished to the prison on the island of Capri.  The bad news ‘Bro: you are going with him.  So off goes old man burlap and his prepubescent king to the impregnable fortress of Capri. 

Back to the General Eggonhisface who if you remember was entrusted to protect the emperor.  Bang up job dude!  Two days in and he’s handing out milk cartons with Romulus’ face on ‘em.  In the mean time he finds a few more soldiers of his crew that also survived last night’s ass whooping.  They meet up with a Senator still friendly to the General’s cause who shares the current location of said missing boy.  Also, the Senator is still chummy with the emissary of Rome’s eastern empire and they’ve agreed to provide not only an extra warrior to tag along with the General’s crew but also safe passage once the rescue is performed.  So they hatch a plan for a dramatic rescue op.  A-team style.

Pictured LT to RT: Murdocus, Hannibalus, Faceilus, and B.A. Baracus

Once they make their way to Capri, two new plot lines are introduced.  First, the warrior provided by the eastern empire for our Roman boys is actually a female.  And she kicks ass.  I smell a possible future love interest!  Second is a mysterious possibly magical sword that was made for Caesar himself and was passed from each emperor of Rome to the next.  On top of that we discover that Ambrosinus, in his past life, lived in Britain where the sword was forged and was part of a group sworn to ensure this sword never fell into the wrong hands.  Well apparently years ago the sword became misplaced and was what seemed to be forever lost.  Conveniently enough, the island that ‘Bro and Rommy are prisoners of was built originally as a palace for the Roman emperor Tiberius.  And during the dramatic escape attempt by the General, Rommy happens upon a chamber underneath the palace and discovers a statue of Caesar.  And what would you know, guess what was in Caesar’s hand?  ‘Bro’s old sword, win!  So then a quick whisk off the island with our successful rescue and back to the rendezvous with Senator Chummy and the Eastern Empire Strikes Back.  Unfortunately for the General and crew, what they don’t know is that the Sen & Friends wussed out of their defiance of the Goth run Rome and their previous arrangement of safe passage to the General has become null and void.  As you can expect when the Capri refugees finally meet up with the once noble Senator, it’s a trap.  After a violent confrontation our lady warrior ends her loyalty to the Eastern Empire in favor of her hunky General.  Most of the General’s crew does make it away.  Most of them anyway.  But the question that  faces them now is what’s next?  Their deal with the Senator now just a memory.  Rome is still a no go and the Goths are really starting to fuck up the program.  Who will stand with the General to fight?  Imagine if you will the General is W.  Now who on Earth stood shoulder to shoulder with our ex-prez in his quest for WMD’s?  That’s right, the Blairinator.  Seek out the Brits General!  The crew decides to high tail it to England in search of the last legion of loyal soldiers to the old Rome.  See it there?  The Last Legion.  How clever.  Anyways, the General’s plan is to recruit this legion, give an amazing pre-battle speech whipping the soldiers into a feverous froth of fightness and lead them to victory over the Goths.  Simple as snot.

Oh shit I forgot. Colin Firth is the General.

Next off to their British vacation!  Only once they arrive, a somber discovery.  There is no legion.  Well at least not an organized one.  See, Rome had long forgotten their soldiers so far from home and reinforcements, food, and even $ stopped arriving to their island.  So most of the soldiers jumped ship and assimilated into the local color.  On top of this, our wearily crew discovers the island is being run by and abused by an evil warlord named Vortgyn.  Just your run of the mill bully who just so happens to be obsessed with a certain sword forged long ago for the Roman emperor Caesar.  Wait.  Isn’t that the same sword currently in the possession of little Rommy?  Uh oh, u haz plot arc?  Now being the flexible General he is, Aurelius decides to abandon his Roman conquest dreams and in turn focuses on organizing the local ex-soldier farmers into a showdown with Vortgyn.  Seemingly saying, ”If I can’t fight me some Goths, Imma woop up on this Phantom of the Opera dude!”  May I introduce our new antagonist, Vortgyn.

Hello. Would you like to feed my bird a cracker? And by cracker I mean you whiteboy!

From here on out it basically builds up until the big closing battle scene with Voldemort.  Nope, wrong bad guy, I mean Vortgyn.  Also a small group of Goths who followed the General and Rommy joins forces with our golden masked villain.  So now you know it’s on like wrath of kahn!  The visiting Romans get to training anyone willing in all forms of combat.  Who am I kidding, it was basically “Here is your sword, here is your shield.  Hit him with this.  Block him with this.”  Most of the scenes are of Ambrosinus sharing his tales of long ago, the legend of the sword and his run in with Vortgyn.  Although during one sequence, while Aurelius and the lady warrior are sparring, we finally get some lovey dovey.  I knew you two would be great together.  You both love long hikes through the forest, a nice glass of mead, and killing people with your sword.

Happy Valentine's day wench.

So build, build, build and then we finally get to the great battle.  It’s what we’ve been training for, it’s what we’ve been waiting for!  All that build up and here it is!!  Wait.  Is it over already?  Yes, that is exactly what it felt like.  Full on disappointment.  Rommy gives his special sword to the General.  The General gives his special speech to his farmer army.  The farmer army give their special lives to the cause.  Vortgyn watches from afar.  Ambrosinus chases him down and disposes of him pretty easily.  He pulls off the golden mask and I yell at the screen, “Put it back on!  Please!!  Put it back on!!!”  Eww, Vortgyn had some serious skin issues.  ‘Bro runs back to the battle announcing the wicked witch is dead and most of Vortgyn’s minions break for it.  All that remains are the Goths and they’re are not going down easy.  See, they’re used to cutting themselves, a sword wound is nothing.  Aurelius takes on the main Goth dude and it’s not going well.  The bad guy has the best of him.  The General is helplessly laying on the battlefield, his arms raised pleading with the Goth.  Just as we think the General has bought the farm, whadooosh!, we see the magical sword projecting out of the now quite surprised Goth.  Who, of course, does the look down, eyes and mouth wide open, grasp the sword with both hands and fall to the ground dead thing.  And who was the hero?  Could it be Ambrosinus, maybe the lady warrior?  Nope.  As the Goth falls lifelessly down he exposes Romulus.  Standing there in all his pre-teen glory.

The Verdict:

The film’s closing scene is by far the most interesting.  Here the unexpected connection is made between the Roman Empire and the legend of King Arthur.  After that disappointing battle scene, Rommy fresh off his first kill and apparently so disgusted by it he lets go of any further desire to be Rome’s emperor, heaves the Caesar sword into the air Braveheart style.  It comes crashing down into a big ol’ boulder sticking straight out of the rock.  Hmmm, why does that seem familiar.  Cut to the future and Ambro is talking with a child near the sword now all grown over with ivy and moss.  He tells the kid a brief summary of the entire flick we just watched and the ahaa! moment comes when this child refers to ‘Bro as Merlin.  And if that wasn’t enough of a clue, the parting shot tightens up on the sword in the stone focusing on the inscribing on the blade.  Originally in Latin, I’m sure it said something about Caesar but now being weathered the only letters visible make up the word Excalibur.

Now although I found the story and particularly the ending very smart, getting there was a very long and arduous process.  The acting is not good and the main characters are horribly miscast.  Don’t get me wrong I appreciate Colin Firth’s British wit, but as a General of the Roman army?  Not so much.  And Ben Kingsley although considered one of the greatest actors of his generation, looks like he is just collecting a paycheck.  With all of this I really can’t recommend this movie.  In fact I would say just skip it.  To quote one Maximus Decimus Meridius, “Are you not entertained?!?”  No Max.  I was not.  Or wait.  Err I mean yes I was not.  Oh whatever.

"ARE YOU NOT CONFUSED MR. FLICKER?!? Oh and btw, Colin Firth is my bitch."

2046

2004

Rated R

Directed by: Kar Wai Wong

Source: Netflix

.

Plot: A womanizing freelance writer’s half-hearted quest to find love.

Acting: A masterful performance from a trio of seductive ladies.  The dude is a doosh tho.

Special Effects: Only present during the train sequences.  Would be a cool screen saver.

The Skinny: Never did I more want to reach thru the screen and choke a man.

Continuing my swing through the Orient we find 2046, said to be the third of a trilogy of flicks by the Hong Kong director Kar Wai Wong focusing on his main character, a man named Chow.  Admittedly I have not seen the first two movies Days of Being Wild and In the Mood for Love but Wong is very well known and I would imagine they are similar in deep character studies with soft color settings.  Wong’s film making skills definately are motivating me to seek the first two flicks although the main character Chow is really hard for me to swallow.  We’ll get into that later.  First, the story of 2046.  Our flick revolves basically around Mr. Chow, a gambling, hard drinker who loves the ladies.  Although there are many honeys who pass through Mr. Chow’s door, our movie focuses on three specific love interests.  The first we are introduced in the opening.  Living in Singapore Chow becomes down on his luck almost broke.  With no job prospects and a heavy drinking habit Chow does what any of us would do: heads to the casino.  Wait, what?  Yes, Mr. Genius gets hooked at the casino and damn near loses his shirt.  He becomes friends with an actual successful gambler named Su Li-Zhen.  She graciously offers him to stake her from there on out so he can recover his losses.  She wins his money back while he falls in love with her.  She is mysterious with a questionable past.  After he saves up enough thanks to his sugar mama Chow decides to move to Hong Kong in hopes of landing a journalist gig.  He begs her to come with but alas, she can not.  He is devastated but still goes and it obvious this was his one true love and proceeds to spend the rest of the movie chasing that high.  So when he arrives in Hong Kong he throws himself into his work.  At that point his work consists of a sci-fi novel, more drinking, and banging bitties. 

During this time he meets love interest #2 Bai Ling, a hauntingly hottie who moves in next door at the hotel Chow is staying at.  The character Bai Ling is played by Zhang Ziyi and honestly, she’s the reason 2046 made it on the flicker queue.  I’ve had a crush on her ever since Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.  Seriously, am I wrong?

ahhh Memoirs of a Crush-on-ya

They begin their relationship as just drinking pals but after a long pursuit Chow is finally in there like swimwear.  And here is me wants to slap Chow part one.  After allowing her to fall in love with him, he can’t stop making trips to the salad bar.  At one point she is even cool with it, as long as he can commit to some form of love for her.  He stands with a stupid grin on his face and declines forcing her to tears running out of their room.  She moves away and again he jumps back into his work.

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I am sorry happiness, Mr. Chow will not accept your call.

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Sorry Chow-lee, even in made up land ladies think you're just..

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The Verdict:

Overall the film is very well made.  The characters are interesting, the acting superb, and the story very well thought out.  The thing I can’t get past though is our Mr. Chow.  Man this guy just made me want to scream!  Are we really like this?  Having love and happiness in our grasps and then opening up our fingers allowing it to spill to ground like sand.  After losing the love of his life early in the flick, we are forced to sit through Chow shitting on all other fleeting glimpses of relationships.  It’s hard to say if I will go back and watch the first two films of this trilogy, I mean is Chow at this point just a bitter man incapable of affection or is he like this through the first two too?  Truly, I don’t know if I can sit through that.  Ok, I will say that if you like heart wrenching love stories that don’t actually deliver, meaning if you enjoy the journey and don’t care all that much about the destination then this flick will work for you.  Me on the other hand, I need closure.  I need that warm fuzzy feeling and all Chow gives me is a cold sick feeling of hopelessness.  Plus dude totally looks like an Asian version of John Waters.

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Don't get me wrong, I love John Waters but he is kinda creepy.

Oldboy

2003

Rated R

Directed by: Chan-wook Park

Source: Netflix

Plot: Dude is let out after being locked away for 15 years and he is none too happy.

Acting: Even though the dialogue is entirely Korean you feel all the hurt, all the pain.

Special Effects: No fantasy type Kung-Fu here, just straight up hit you with a hammer shit!

The Skinny: Get ready to be tugged, twisted, and torn to grimace.

With an in your face opening sequence the flick starts with a man being held over a roof top edge by only his tie.  The tie holder, our old boy, a man named Dae-su tells the man he wants to tell him a story.  And flashback to a obvious drunk Dae-su sitting in a cop shop bouncing from one emotion extreme to the other.  Eventually he is bailed out by a friend and they proceed to call Dae-su’s home being it’s his daughter’s birthday.  Bang up job father of the year, arrested on your girl’s bday.  After he slurs his sorrys and happy birthdays he passes the phone to his friend who does the same.  Minus the slurring mind you.  Dae-su’s friend hangs up the phone and turns to find Dae-su is gone.  You immediately think, well where’s the nearest bar, but no.  New day and Dae-su wakes up in a small hotel like room.  A small opening at the bottom of a locked door opens up and a plate of food is thrust inside his room.  His pleads, his screams are unanswered and we are left to wonder how and why he has arrived to be in this room.

15 years.  Yes, 15 years stuck in that small ass room with nothing but a cot and a tv.  In that time he watched the news to discover his wife had been murdered and pinned on him.  His daughter sent to a foster home.  He is constantly gassed into unconscious and is fed nothing but fried dumplings.  I don’t know what’s worse.  The everlasting isolation, the solitary confinement, or the fried dumpling diet.  During this time he has nothing to do but work himself into badass shape with nothing but revenge on his mind.  He begins tunneling through the wall behind his bed.  The only thing getting him through day to day is vengeance.  And now let me introduce you to our hero: Dae-su.

The Korean definition for hero may differ from ours.

OK this accupuncture shit is going too far.

After fighting his way out of the hell hotel he collapses outside only to be thrown into a cab by who we find out to be his captor, a man named Woo-jin.  Later he meets back up with this Woo-jin and is given a choice or as it’s put to him, a game.  He must discover why Woo-jin did what he did to him or his new hottie girlfriend Mi-do will take a dirt nap.  In typical Asian flavor our flick takes some quite disturbing twists and turns here.  Dae-su realizes he went to school with Woo-jin as a young man and had happened to peeping tom Woo-jin and Woo-jin’s sister having some inappropriate after school activities.  Actually not knowing they were siblings, Dae-su mentions this tryst to his best friend at the time right before he leaves for the military.  While Dae-su was then gone, his best friend starts a rumor about the two which destroys their family ending in Woo-jin’s sister committing suicide.  As if this wasn’t bad enough we discover that Woo-jin is one sadistic mother fucker in planning his revenge.  See not only did he lock Dae-su up for 15 years and pin the murder of his wife on him, but he then set up this extravagant planned meeting between Dae-su and the little sushi chef Mi-do.  Can you guess what’s coming next?  If you can’t then I won’t spoil it but DAAAYUM dude you just became father of the decade.  And in an especially gory moment Dae-su tries to convince Woo-jin that he will forever be silent in the future the only way he knows how.  Remember, dude is fruit loopy.

Don't forget the $10 copay

Let’s just say all the kissing Dae-su will be doing in the future will be French-less.  After this Woo-jin does decide to spare Mi-do the pain of truth and leaves Dae-su in a bloody mess.  While in the elevator Woo-jin flashes back to his sister’s suicide and to add another scoop to our crazy cone here, offs himself bullet to dome.  Dae-su stumbles out half dead to find Mi-do like Mel Gibson in Payback.  They take off to the great north and we end with Dae-su visiting the same hypnotist that fucked him up in the first place.  This time he asks to forget, to forget everything about this hurtful secret.  Mi-do finds him in a snowy field, the hypnotist gone but with no footprints.  We are left with an ambiguous feeling.  Was there even a hypnotist?  Does he still remember?

The Verdict:

Easily ranking as one of my favorite foreign films of late, the visual styling of this flick is amazing.  The pace of the movie keeps you in step with Dae-su and his craziness.  In fact at times you start feeling the same insanity and pain he is.  And the plot twists between Woo-jin and Mi-do are just jarring.  Usually I’m not a fan of having multiple cringes but here it seems valid and well placed.  Between the badass fight scenes and tear your heart out drama, this thriller will have you screaming DAYUM!  Just a low down dirty gritty flick, like a Korean Fight Club, I loved it!  And now I must find it to be added to The Flicker library.

I will love him and squeeze him and call him Oldboy.

Sci-Fi glasses

Well alright, things are starting to heat up.  Top five coming.  Here it gets tough as most are my personal favorites.  Seems 6-10 hit on all the classics but now we get down to the nitty gritty.  Who falls into that elite category as being considered a Flicker top 5?  If I ever found myself on a deserted island with nothing but a tv, dvd player, and a generator, would I build an E.T. phone and call home?  No.  I would choose these 5 flicks.

Part 2 of The Flicker’s Top 10 Fave Futuristic Sci-Fi Flicks.  Bring it!

5. Equilibrium (2002)

Kicking off the top 5 here is a flick which has a very similar feel to it as The Matrix.  In my mind the most obvious difference between the two is that in a fight, Christian Bale would kick Keanu Reeves’ ass all the way to Point Break and that’s good enough to leap frog into spot #5.  I fell for this flick from the beginning, an action scene consisting of Bale’s bursting into a completely dark room full of bad guys.  He slams through the door and ends up riding it like a surf board into the middle of dark room then proceeds to take out every single dude, his features only becoming illuminated with each muzzle flash.  To quote Chris Farley: “That was……….AWESOME!!”  Adding to this incredible action is the flick’s interesting backstory.  Set in a post WWIII dystopia called Libria and led by a man know simply as Father.  See after the war and the human race’s almost wiped outtage, the Father used the following logic.  Human anger caused the war.  Anger is a human emotion.  Eliminate emotion, eliminate war.  Sounds all good except there a few more emotions than anger.  Love for example.  Collateral damage according to the Father.  Enter the drug Prozium.  With the population forced to take regular injections of this drug, emotions become like war; non-existent.  As can be expected, there are a few people not too hyped on losing their ability to feel and refuse to take their interval of Prozium.  In order to deal with that faction of the population, Father trains a group of people called Clerics with a fighting style called Gun Kata.  Think Kung-Fu with pistols.  Christian Bale plays the shining star of Clerics and eliminates these so called sense-offenders.  Seems I’m getting a bit long-winded here so to quickly close it up: Bale falls off his high non-feeling horse, hooks up with the anti-government crowd, plot twist, plot twist, and some serious fist clenching teeth grinding action sequences make this little known flick one of my top 5 faves.

4. District B13 (2004)

Quick warning on our #4 spot: this is a foreign film.  To some this is an issue, to me it’s not because I turn on the subtitles regardless.  Now you may be tempted to turn on the English dub-over version but I say do not.  See, if you eliminate the true French dialogue you eliminate all the natural inflection of the actor’s voices which I find really helps keeping you into the flick.  Don’t worry, even though you’re reading subtitles you won’t miss the action.  And man, is this flick full of action.  It takes place in a future version of France where crime in Paris has gotten so bad that the powers that be erects a wall around the entire ghetto and basically shuts them out from the rest of the city.  Years go by and the gangs take over and the most powerful of these gangs is led by a man named Taha.  Our hero #1 Leito, hates Taha and steals a bunch of coke from him.  Of course Taha is not too pleased and chases him down.  They end up and one of the few remaining police stations.  For some reason the cops are closing up shop and are no use to Leito.  When he pushes them for help, they arrest him and allow Taha to escape with Leito’s sister as a going away present.  Six months later.  We are introduced to our hero #2 Damien, who is an undercover police agent, one of their finest.  We find out that a truck containing a missile is hijacked by Taha’s gang and the missile is accidentally armed.  Damien has 24hrs to infiltrate District B13, find the missile and disarm it, saving over 2 million people.  He can not do it alone so the government has him recruit Leito who has been wasting away in a jail cell.  Hello Rush Hour the French version.  The two eventually team up and through a major plot twist (seems like a common theme) are able to save the day.  What I really like about this flick is the action is not just straight shoot em up or even a straight karate chop action flick.  It uses a parkour style, having our hero’s jumping through windows, squeezing through tight spaces, and launching themselves everywhere.  Unlike a flick I reviewed previously called  Blood and Chocolate where the use of this style infused with the action failed, this flick succeeds and is crazy exciting.  I think another little known flick, if you don’t mind the subtitles, you’ll love the free running like action.

3. Doomsday (2008)

#3 is yet another flick set overseas but don’t fret, it’s England and they speak English there so put away your subtitle-phobia.  But, if you happen to also be a germaphobe, you’re in trouble.  See, Scotland is hit with what they call The Reaper virus and the effects aren’t pretty.  England with no choice encircles Scotland with a huge wall.  What is it with the walls?  Years pass and it seems England has successfully contained the virus within Scotland.  That is until it pops up in London.  Oh shit.  Although the government has a plan.  What they haven’t shared with the general public is that for the last few years their spy satellites have been picking up some movement over there in Scotland.  So there are survivors.  Their plan then is to send a team over there to discover how they survived and therefore the cure for this Reaper virus.  And the leader of this team is a woman.  Ah The Flicker loves a heroine.  Her team travels into Scotland and finds that they have been divided into two tribes.  One tribe lives in the country and is led by Kane, who before the quarantine was a doctor frantically searching for a Reaper virus cure before he got stuck inside the wall.  These days he runs his little utopia like he’s Longshanks from Braveheart.  The other tribe lives in the cities and is run by Sol who happens to be the son of Kane.  His tribe is on the opposite spectrum.  Imagine if Miami Ink was run by cannibals.  Of course the two tribes don’t like each other much and are fighting constantly.  Our heroine’s crew gets in the middle and catches a bunch of casualties.  In the end she discovers the cure (sorta) and delivers the payload (kinda).  What drives this flick is it’s in your face style.  Lots of action, a little bit of gore, and there is never much of a break.  You take the foot off the gas a little bit when she steps into Medieval land but that doesn’t last long.  And Doomsday seals the deal with a great ending, the climax of our heroine vs Sol will make you lose your head!

2. Serenity (2005)

Before I get into the gist of our #2 flick, a quick history lesson.  Once there was a tv show called Firefly created by Joss Whedon of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame.  It didn’t even air a dozen episodes before it was cancelled but in those limited episodes Firefly really developed a loyal fanbase.  Proof of this was in the millions of letters, emails, phone calls, and an ad in Variety magazine professing love for the franchise.  With this much ammo Universal greenlighted a movie deal based on the show.  Now if you’re not familiar with the show, it follows the adventures of a small crew who man a ship called Serenity.  They are basically smugglers and salvagers who are led by Captain Malcom Reynolds a retired military man who happened to fight for the losing side in the recent war against the alliance.  Because of this he takes in a few fugitives running from the alliance and assimilates them into the crew.  The show’s style is Wild Wild West meets Lost in Space minus the danger Will Robinson robot.  And the flick does a great job serving both as an ending to the tv series but also as a stand alone piece of its own.  During the flick we get both closure to a few unanswered questions from the tv run and history of the characters for the newbies who missed the Firefly series all together.  My only gripe was the choice of the “operative” over the “two by two, hands of blue” as the antagonist.  Other than that the flick plays in the same momentum as the tv show did.  If you’re new to all of this, I strongly suggest checking out both the tv series and the movie.  You’ll find drama.  You’ll find excitement.  You’ll find comedy.  And you’ll most definitely will find you’re not sorry you did.

1. The Fifth Element (1997)

Ahhh best for last.  My all time fave!  Made when Bruce Willis was still cool, Milla Jovovich was hot (she STILL is btw), Gary Oldman had yet to meet Sirius Black, and Chris Tucker had yet to become born again.  There is no way I can effectively capture this flick’s greatness is mere human vocabulary.  If you have never seen this movie, stop what you are doing right this minute.  Wait.  On second thought, continue reading then after, stop what you’re doing and come to my house.  After I give you a noogie, I will expose you to one of the greatest films ever made.  Seriously.  This flick has it all.   Action:  the 5th Element is master of all fighting styles.  Adventure: set in space, we get to visit exotic locations.  Sci-Fi: love their take on what the future holds for us all.  Comedy: Chris Tucker as Ruby Rhod could have easily spawned a spin-off flick of his own.  And Romance: um HELLO, Milla is super ultra fine!  Also, I love the transitions in the movie.  The way it moves from character to character in the middle of dialogue.  It really adds to flavor of this feel good save the universe type flick.  You know what, I can’t even take it anymore.  I gotta go pop this mutha in.  Happy viewing all!

So there you have it, a peek into the brainpan of The Flicker.  Squish.

DOA: Dead or Alive

2006

Rated PG-13

Directed by: Corey Yuen

Source: Netflix

Plot: A tournament for the greatest fighters in the world.

Acting: Surprisingly the world’s greatest fighters are mostly female.

Special Effects: And they fight in bikinis.

The Skinny: In this flick, Kung-Fu is spelled with  T and A!

DOA opens promisingly with the introduction of Kasumi, a princess who is informed that her brother the leader of their temple is missing and presumed dead.  She must now take his position and lead their tribe.  She refuses, instead hell bent on leaving the temple to search for her missing brother.  Apparently leaving the temple is forbidden and carries a punishment of death.  She exits the temple only to confront an entire army.  Like a scene straight out of Jet Li’s Hero she karate chops her way through the man ocean somersaulting onto the temple wall and jumping into the mist to escape.  As I’m thinking oh hellz yes this flick is gonna be good she tears off her clothing in order to deploy a hidden parachute and while floating down to the ocean is met with a flying shuriken which invites her to attend this DOA fighting tournament thing.  What the?  First it felt like we’re in ancient Thailand or something and next thing I know she’s pulling out a personal parachute.  Well Kung Fu Asian chick established, now to next character.

Middle of the ocean, sunning herself on a beautiful yacht is Tina Armstrong.  She’s gabbing on the phone, something about not wanting to wrestle anymore and basically this is to tell us that even though she’s hot stuff, she bad ass too.  As if that wasn’t enough proof, just then a group of modern day pirates bum rush her boat looking for an easy payday.  Oops.  A few pile drivers and suplexes later all bad guys are bye bye and in flies shuriken number two.  Now we have our tough American white chick character covered.  So who’s next?

A European babe of course.  She’s taking a shower in some swanky hotel.  As she wraps a towel around herself the police barge in.   See Christie Allen happens to be a world renowned thief and there just so happens to be a few million dollars missing.  The police are not happy and they would like to ask her some questions.  She makes an understandable request of the cops to allow her to put on some underwear before they leave.  Then like a Basic Instinct scene gone wrong, she uses this chance to whoop up on the boys in blue while her bra floats in mid air.  And being Miss Smooth, as the last man falls she nonchalantly steps into her dropping brazier.  As she escapes the hotel evading hot pursuit, shuriken number three swoops in.  Hot European babe makes three so lets go check out what this DOA thing is all about.

So, DOA is a annual tournament put on by Dr. Victor Donovan where the best fighters are invited via ninja star.  The payday is 10 million dollars and the fight ends when someone is knocked out.  Not sure where the dead comes in in Dead or Alive.  Who fights is decided by Mr. Donovan himself.  All competitors wear bracelets which will announce when they are chosen to fight by showing a picture of their opponent and then its pretty much on where ever the two meet.  Now since this flick has been focusing on our three lovely ladies it’s obvious they will be going far.  And in fact there are a lot of female fighters there, of course all scantily clad.  As far as the male presence, there’s not much hope boys with dudes like this.

Whaaa-DOOSH!

Ok, so before we can get to fighting each one of our DOAers must undergo a rigorous physical by request of the man Mr. Donovan himself.  Even though it seemed like just another excuse to see our ladies in their scoobies there is a plot line delivered.  What seemed like a innocent physical was actually a way our Mr. Donovan could secretly inject nanobots into all the fighters.  We’ll get to the nanobots’ purpose later but this gives us our first ideas that Donovan might not be the nicest fight promoter in the world.  Who wouda thunk?  After the turn your head and coughs are over we get to the beat downs.  Kasumi and Christine Allen easily move on to the next round while Tina Armstrong is asked to fight her father, a Hulk Hogan-esque ex-wrestler.  Don’t worry though, her Dad don’t stand a chance.  This is her flick after all.  Next our flick takes a turn toward the hilarious.  First a sequence of our hotties during the day in between fights.  What to do?  Oh I know, how ’bout a some volleyball!

How else will we show off our bikinis?

After an intense game, Tina is chirped for her next fight.  And let me tell you she comes dressed ready.

Nothing says I'm gonna kick your ass like a jean jacket.

What follows are a few more plot lines involving Christine and her thieving ways, Kasumi evading her honor-bound death sentence, and a lovey dovey interest I won’t go into.  Finally though, we find out what those nanobots were about.  See old Donovan implanted them to monitor all the fighters and basically steal their moves.  We are to believe that the nanobot broadcasts the muscle memory of each fighting style into a device that when worn allows you to in a sense become Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, and Jackie Chan all in one.  What is this device you ask.

Yes, a pair of fucking Oakley sunglasses.

In the final boss sequence Donovan busts them out for a test run.  Of course he can only test them against the best, so he drops the bomb that this whole time he’s been holding Kasumi’s brother prisoner, keeping him in the greatest fighting shape just for this moment.  Well, as you can imagine, all hell breaks loose and it doesn’t end well for the Okes.  The brother fights his ass off, everyone escapes, the sunglasses fall off a cliff, and the DOA compound blows the fuck up.  Wam bam thank you ma’am.  Our flick leaves us with our lovely ladies back at Kasumi’s temple.  I guess Kasumi didn’t have enough fun the first time she laid the smack down on the temple army because she’s back again, and this time she brought friends.  Oh and they all have swords.  Two words army: GO AWOL.

The Verdict:

DOA: Dead or Alive is loosely based on the video game of the same name and honestly this is what probably led me to this flick.  What I found though was your typical modern day karate flick with the added flavor of skimpy swimsuits.  The cast is pretty weak with the only recognizable actors being Eric Roberts as Dr. Victor Donovan and Jaime Pressly as Tina Armstrong.  My favorite was Devon Aoki who played Kasumi.  You might remember has as the sword wielding head choppin off honey from Sin City.  All the fight scenes are nothing new and the story is lacking so it really never gives you much to hold onto.  Really, all you’re left with is hot chicks.  Which I guess aint half bad if you’re watching this flick in the middle of a sausage fest.  At home, maybe watching it with a partner, I say no.  You should pass and wait for the sequel.  I hear it’s gonna be even better.

DOA II: Showdown at the Super 8