The Flicker

2046

2004

Rated R

Directed by: Kar Wai Wong

Source: Netflix

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Plot: A womanizing freelance writer’s half-hearted quest to find love.

Acting: A masterful performance from a trio of seductive ladies.  The dude is a doosh tho.

Special Effects: Only present during the train sequences.  Would be a cool screen saver.

The Skinny: Never did I more want to reach thru the screen and choke a man.

Continuing my swing through the Orient we find 2046, said to be the third of a trilogy of flicks by the Hong Kong director Kar Wai Wong focusing on his main character, a man named Chow.  Admittedly I have not seen the first two movies Days of Being Wild and In the Mood for Love but Wong is very well known and I would imagine they are similar in deep character studies with soft color settings.  Wong’s film making skills definately are motivating me to seek the first two flicks although the main character Chow is really hard for me to swallow.  We’ll get into that later.  First, the story of 2046.  Our flick revolves basically around Mr. Chow, a gambling, hard drinker who loves the ladies.  Although there are many honeys who pass through Mr. Chow’s door, our movie focuses on three specific love interests.  The first we are introduced in the opening.  Living in Singapore Chow becomes down on his luck almost broke.  With no job prospects and a heavy drinking habit Chow does what any of us would do: heads to the casino.  Wait, what?  Yes, Mr. Genius gets hooked at the casino and damn near loses his shirt.  He becomes friends with an actual successful gambler named Su Li-Zhen.  She graciously offers him to stake her from there on out so he can recover his losses.  She wins his money back while he falls in love with her.  She is mysterious with a questionable past.  After he saves up enough thanks to his sugar mama Chow decides to move to Hong Kong in hopes of landing a journalist gig.  He begs her to come with but alas, she can not.  He is devastated but still goes and it obvious this was his one true love and proceeds to spend the rest of the movie chasing that high.  So when he arrives in Hong Kong he throws himself into his work.  At that point his work consists of a sci-fi novel, more drinking, and banging bitties. 

During this time he meets love interest #2 Bai Ling, a hauntingly hottie who moves in next door at the hotel Chow is staying at.  The character Bai Ling is played by Zhang Ziyi and honestly, she’s the reason 2046 made it on the flicker queue.  I’ve had a crush on her ever since Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.  Seriously, am I wrong?

ahhh Memoirs of a Crush-on-ya

They begin their relationship as just drinking pals but after a long pursuit Chow is finally in there like swimwear.  And here is me wants to slap Chow part one.  After allowing her to fall in love with him, he can’t stop making trips to the salad bar.  At one point she is even cool with it, as long as he can commit to some form of love for her.  He stands with a stupid grin on his face and declines forcing her to tears running out of their room.  She moves away and again he jumps back into his work.

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I am sorry happiness, Mr. Chow will not accept your call.

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Sorry Chow-lee, even in made up land ladies think you're just..

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The Verdict:

Overall the film is very well made.  The characters are interesting, the acting superb, and the story very well thought out.  The thing I can’t get past though is our Mr. Chow.  Man this guy just made me want to scream!  Are we really like this?  Having love and happiness in our grasps and then opening up our fingers allowing it to spill to ground like sand.  After losing the love of his life early in the flick, we are forced to sit through Chow shitting on all other fleeting glimpses of relationships.  It’s hard to say if I will go back and watch the first two films of this trilogy, I mean is Chow at this point just a bitter man incapable of affection or is he like this through the first two too?  Truly, I don’t know if I can sit through that.  Ok, I will say that if you like heart wrenching love stories that don’t actually deliver, meaning if you enjoy the journey and don’t care all that much about the destination then this flick will work for you.  Me on the other hand, I need closure.  I need that warm fuzzy feeling and all Chow gives me is a cold sick feeling of hopelessness.  Plus dude totally looks like an Asian version of John Waters.

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Don't get me wrong, I love John Waters but he is kinda creepy.

Oldboy

2003

Rated R

Directed by: Chan-wook Park

Source: Netflix

Plot: Dude is let out after being locked away for 15 years and he is none too happy.

Acting: Even though the dialogue is entirely Korean you feel all the hurt, all the pain.

Special Effects: No fantasy type Kung-Fu here, just straight up hit you with a hammer shit!

The Skinny: Get ready to be tugged, twisted, and torn to grimace.

With an in your face opening sequence the flick starts with a man being held over a roof top edge by only his tie.  The tie holder, our old boy, a man named Dae-su tells the man he wants to tell him a story.  And flashback to a obvious drunk Dae-su sitting in a cop shop bouncing from one emotion extreme to the other.  Eventually he is bailed out by a friend and they proceed to call Dae-su’s home being it’s his daughter’s birthday.  Bang up job father of the year, arrested on your girl’s bday.  After he slurs his sorrys and happy birthdays he passes the phone to his friend who does the same.  Minus the slurring mind you.  Dae-su’s friend hangs up the phone and turns to find Dae-su is gone.  You immediately think, well where’s the nearest bar, but no.  New day and Dae-su wakes up in a small hotel like room.  A small opening at the bottom of a locked door opens up and a plate of food is thrust inside his room.  His pleads, his screams are unanswered and we are left to wonder how and why he has arrived to be in this room.

15 years.  Yes, 15 years stuck in that small ass room with nothing but a cot and a tv.  In that time he watched the news to discover his wife had been murdered and pinned on him.  His daughter sent to a foster home.  He is constantly gassed into unconscious and is fed nothing but fried dumplings.  I don’t know what’s worse.  The everlasting isolation, the solitary confinement, or the fried dumpling diet.  During this time he has nothing to do but work himself into badass shape with nothing but revenge on his mind.  He begins tunneling through the wall behind his bed.  The only thing getting him through day to day is vengeance.  And now let me introduce you to our hero: Dae-su.

The Korean definition for hero may differ from ours.

OK this accupuncture shit is going too far.

After fighting his way out of the hell hotel he collapses outside only to be thrown into a cab by who we find out to be his captor, a man named Woo-jin.  Later he meets back up with this Woo-jin and is given a choice or as it’s put to him, a game.  He must discover why Woo-jin did what he did to him or his new hottie girlfriend Mi-do will take a dirt nap.  In typical Asian flavor our flick takes some quite disturbing twists and turns here.  Dae-su realizes he went to school with Woo-jin as a young man and had happened to peeping tom Woo-jin and Woo-jin’s sister having some inappropriate after school activities.  Actually not knowing they were siblings, Dae-su mentions this tryst to his best friend at the time right before he leaves for the military.  While Dae-su was then gone, his best friend starts a rumor about the two which destroys their family ending in Woo-jin’s sister committing suicide.  As if this wasn’t bad enough we discover that Woo-jin is one sadistic mother fucker in planning his revenge.  See not only did he lock Dae-su up for 15 years and pin the murder of his wife on him, but he then set up this extravagant planned meeting between Dae-su and the little sushi chef Mi-do.  Can you guess what’s coming next?  If you can’t then I won’t spoil it but DAAAYUM dude you just became father of the decade.  And in an especially gory moment Dae-su tries to convince Woo-jin that he will forever be silent in the future the only way he knows how.  Remember, dude is fruit loopy.

Don't forget the $10 copay

Let’s just say all the kissing Dae-su will be doing in the future will be French-less.  After this Woo-jin does decide to spare Mi-do the pain of truth and leaves Dae-su in a bloody mess.  While in the elevator Woo-jin flashes back to his sister’s suicide and to add another scoop to our crazy cone here, offs himself bullet to dome.  Dae-su stumbles out half dead to find Mi-do like Mel Gibson in Payback.  They take off to the great north and we end with Dae-su visiting the same hypnotist that fucked him up in the first place.  This time he asks to forget, to forget everything about this hurtful secret.  Mi-do finds him in a snowy field, the hypnotist gone but with no footprints.  We are left with an ambiguous feeling.  Was there even a hypnotist?  Does he still remember?

The Verdict:

Easily ranking as one of my favorite foreign films of late, the visual styling of this flick is amazing.  The pace of the movie keeps you in step with Dae-su and his craziness.  In fact at times you start feeling the same insanity and pain he is.  And the plot twists between Woo-jin and Mi-do are just jarring.  Usually I’m not a fan of having multiple cringes but here it seems valid and well placed.  Between the badass fight scenes and tear your heart out drama, this thriller will have you screaming DAYUM!  Just a low down dirty gritty flick, like a Korean Fight Club, I loved it!  And now I must find it to be added to The Flicker library.

I will love him and squeeze him and call him Oldboy.

Sci-Fi glasses

Well alright, things are starting to heat up.  Top five coming.  Here it gets tough as most are my personal favorites.  Seems 6-10 hit on all the classics but now we get down to the nitty gritty.  Who falls into that elite category as being considered a Flicker top 5?  If I ever found myself on a deserted island with nothing but a tv, dvd player, and a generator, would I build an E.T. phone and call home?  No.  I would choose these 5 flicks.

Part 2 of The Flicker’s Top 10 Fave Futuristic Sci-Fi Flicks.  Bring it!

5. Equilibrium (2002)

Kicking off the top 5 here is a flick which has a very similar feel to it as The Matrix.  In my mind the most obvious difference between the two is that in a fight, Christian Bale would kick Keanu Reeves’ ass all the way to Point Break and that’s good enough to leap frog into spot #5.  I fell for this flick from the beginning, an action scene consisting of Bale’s bursting into a completely dark room full of bad guys.  He slams through the door and ends up riding it like a surf board into the middle of dark room then proceeds to take out every single dude, his features only becoming illuminated with each muzzle flash.  To quote Chris Farley: “That was……….AWESOME!!”  Adding to this incredible action is the flick’s interesting backstory.  Set in a post WWIII dystopia called Libria and led by a man know simply as Father.  See after the war and the human race’s almost wiped outtage, the Father used the following logic.  Human anger caused the war.  Anger is a human emotion.  Eliminate emotion, eliminate war.  Sounds all good except there a few more emotions than anger.  Love for example.  Collateral damage according to the Father.  Enter the drug Prozium.  With the population forced to take regular injections of this drug, emotions become like war; non-existent.  As can be expected, there are a few people not too hyped on losing their ability to feel and refuse to take their interval of Prozium.  In order to deal with that faction of the population, Father trains a group of people called Clerics with a fighting style called Gun Kata.  Think Kung-Fu with pistols.  Christian Bale plays the shining star of Clerics and eliminates these so called sense-offenders.  Seems I’m getting a bit long-winded here so to quickly close it up: Bale falls off his high non-feeling horse, hooks up with the anti-government crowd, plot twist, plot twist, and some serious fist clenching teeth grinding action sequences make this little known flick one of my top 5 faves.

4. District B13 (2004)

Quick warning on our #4 spot: this is a foreign film.  To some this is an issue, to me it’s not because I turn on the subtitles regardless.  Now you may be tempted to turn on the English dub-over version but I say do not.  See, if you eliminate the true French dialogue you eliminate all the natural inflection of the actor’s voices which I find really helps keeping you into the flick.  Don’t worry, even though you’re reading subtitles you won’t miss the action.  And man, is this flick full of action.  It takes place in a future version of France where crime in Paris has gotten so bad that the powers that be erects a wall around the entire ghetto and basically shuts them out from the rest of the city.  Years go by and the gangs take over and the most powerful of these gangs is led by a man named Taha.  Our hero #1 Leito, hates Taha and steals a bunch of coke from him.  Of course Taha is not too pleased and chases him down.  They end up and one of the few remaining police stations.  For some reason the cops are closing up shop and are no use to Leito.  When he pushes them for help, they arrest him and allow Taha to escape with Leito’s sister as a going away present.  Six months later.  We are introduced to our hero #2 Damien, who is an undercover police agent, one of their finest.  We find out that a truck containing a missile is hijacked by Taha’s gang and the missile is accidentally armed.  Damien has 24hrs to infiltrate District B13, find the missile and disarm it, saving over 2 million people.  He can not do it alone so the government has him recruit Leito who has been wasting away in a jail cell.  Hello Rush Hour the French version.  The two eventually team up and through a major plot twist (seems like a common theme) are able to save the day.  What I really like about this flick is the action is not just straight shoot em up or even a straight karate chop action flick.  It uses a parkour style, having our hero’s jumping through windows, squeezing through tight spaces, and launching themselves everywhere.  Unlike a flick I reviewed previously called  Blood and Chocolate where the use of this style infused with the action failed, this flick succeeds and is crazy exciting.  I think another little known flick, if you don’t mind the subtitles, you’ll love the free running like action.

3. Doomsday (2008)

#3 is yet another flick set overseas but don’t fret, it’s England and they speak English there so put away your subtitle-phobia.  But, if you happen to also be a germaphobe, you’re in trouble.  See, Scotland is hit with what they call The Reaper virus and the effects aren’t pretty.  England with no choice encircles Scotland with a huge wall.  What is it with the walls?  Years pass and it seems England has successfully contained the virus within Scotland.  That is until it pops up in London.  Oh shit.  Although the government has a plan.  What they haven’t shared with the general public is that for the last few years their spy satellites have been picking up some movement over there in Scotland.  So there are survivors.  Their plan then is to send a team over there to discover how they survived and therefore the cure for this Reaper virus.  And the leader of this team is a woman.  Ah The Flicker loves a heroine.  Her team travels into Scotland and finds that they have been divided into two tribes.  One tribe lives in the country and is led by Kane, who before the quarantine was a doctor frantically searching for a Reaper virus cure before he got stuck inside the wall.  These days he runs his little utopia like he’s Longshanks from Braveheart.  The other tribe lives in the cities and is run by Sol who happens to be the son of Kane.  His tribe is on the opposite spectrum.  Imagine if Miami Ink was run by cannibals.  Of course the two tribes don’t like each other much and are fighting constantly.  Our heroine’s crew gets in the middle and catches a bunch of casualties.  In the end she discovers the cure (sorta) and delivers the payload (kinda).  What drives this flick is it’s in your face style.  Lots of action, a little bit of gore, and there is never much of a break.  You take the foot off the gas a little bit when she steps into Medieval land but that doesn’t last long.  And Doomsday seals the deal with a great ending, the climax of our heroine vs Sol will make you lose your head!

2. Serenity (2005)

Before I get into the gist of our #2 flick, a quick history lesson.  Once there was a tv show called Firefly created by Joss Whedon of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame.  It didn’t even air a dozen episodes before it was cancelled but in those limited episodes Firefly really developed a loyal fanbase.  Proof of this was in the millions of letters, emails, phone calls, and an ad in Variety magazine professing love for the franchise.  With this much ammo Universal greenlighted a movie deal based on the show.  Now if you’re not familiar with the show, it follows the adventures of a small crew who man a ship called Serenity.  They are basically smugglers and salvagers who are led by Captain Malcom Reynolds a retired military man who happened to fight for the losing side in the recent war against the alliance.  Because of this he takes in a few fugitives running from the alliance and assimilates them into the crew.  The show’s style is Wild Wild West meets Lost in Space minus the danger Will Robinson robot.  And the flick does a great job serving both as an ending to the tv series but also as a stand alone piece of its own.  During the flick we get both closure to a few unanswered questions from the tv run and history of the characters for the newbies who missed the Firefly series all together.  My only gripe was the choice of the “operative” over the “two by two, hands of blue” as the antagonist.  Other than that the flick plays in the same momentum as the tv show did.  If you’re new to all of this, I strongly suggest checking out both the tv series and the movie.  You’ll find drama.  You’ll find excitement.  You’ll find comedy.  And you’ll most definitely will find you’re not sorry you did.

1. The Fifth Element (1997)

Ahhh best for last.  My all time fave!  Made when Bruce Willis was still cool, Milla Jovovich was hot (she STILL is btw), Gary Oldman had yet to meet Sirius Black, and Chris Tucker had yet to become born again.  There is no way I can effectively capture this flick’s greatness is mere human vocabulary.  If you have never seen this movie, stop what you are doing right this minute.  Wait.  On second thought, continue reading then after, stop what you’re doing and come to my house.  After I give you a noogie, I will expose you to one of the greatest films ever made.  Seriously.  This flick has it all.   Action:  the 5th Element is master of all fighting styles.  Adventure: set in space, we get to visit exotic locations.  Sci-Fi: love their take on what the future holds for us all.  Comedy: Chris Tucker as Ruby Rhod could have easily spawned a spin-off flick of his own.  And Romance: um HELLO, Milla is super ultra fine!  Also, I love the transitions in the movie.  The way it moves from character to character in the middle of dialogue.  It really adds to flavor of this feel good save the universe type flick.  You know what, I can’t even take it anymore.  I gotta go pop this mutha in.  Happy viewing all!

So there you have it, a peek into the brainpan of The Flicker.  Squish.

DOA: Dead or Alive

2006

Rated PG-13

Directed by: Corey Yuen

Source: Netflix

Plot: A tournament for the greatest fighters in the world.

Acting: Surprisingly the world’s greatest fighters are mostly female.

Special Effects: And they fight in bikinis.

The Skinny: In this flick, Kung-Fu is spelled with  T and A!

DOA opens promisingly with the introduction of Kasumi, a princess who is informed that her brother the leader of their temple is missing and presumed dead.  She must now take his position and lead their tribe.  She refuses, instead hell bent on leaving the temple to search for her missing brother.  Apparently leaving the temple is forbidden and carries a punishment of death.  She exits the temple only to confront an entire army.  Like a scene straight out of Jet Li’s Hero she karate chops her way through the man ocean somersaulting onto the temple wall and jumping into the mist to escape.  As I’m thinking oh hellz yes this flick is gonna be good she tears off her clothing in order to deploy a hidden parachute and while floating down to the ocean is met with a flying shuriken which invites her to attend this DOA fighting tournament thing.  What the?  First it felt like we’re in ancient Thailand or something and next thing I know she’s pulling out a personal parachute.  Well Kung Fu Asian chick established, now to next character.

Middle of the ocean, sunning herself on a beautiful yacht is Tina Armstrong.  She’s gabbing on the phone, something about not wanting to wrestle anymore and basically this is to tell us that even though she’s hot stuff, she bad ass too.  As if that wasn’t enough proof, just then a group of modern day pirates bum rush her boat looking for an easy payday.  Oops.  A few pile drivers and suplexes later all bad guys are bye bye and in flies shuriken number two.  Now we have our tough American white chick character covered.  So who’s next?

A European babe of course.  She’s taking a shower in some swanky hotel.  As she wraps a towel around herself the police barge in.   See Christie Allen happens to be a world renowned thief and there just so happens to be a few million dollars missing.  The police are not happy and they would like to ask her some questions.  She makes an understandable request of the cops to allow her to put on some underwear before they leave.  Then like a Basic Instinct scene gone wrong, she uses this chance to whoop up on the boys in blue while her bra floats in mid air.  And being Miss Smooth, as the last man falls she nonchalantly steps into her dropping brazier.  As she escapes the hotel evading hot pursuit, shuriken number three swoops in.  Hot European babe makes three so lets go check out what this DOA thing is all about.

So, DOA is a annual tournament put on by Dr. Victor Donovan where the best fighters are invited via ninja star.  The payday is 10 million dollars and the fight ends when someone is knocked out.  Not sure where the dead comes in in Dead or Alive.  Who fights is decided by Mr. Donovan himself.  All competitors wear bracelets which will announce when they are chosen to fight by showing a picture of their opponent and then its pretty much on where ever the two meet.  Now since this flick has been focusing on our three lovely ladies it’s obvious they will be going far.  And in fact there are a lot of female fighters there, of course all scantily clad.  As far as the male presence, there’s not much hope boys with dudes like this.

Whaaa-DOOSH!

Ok, so before we can get to fighting each one of our DOAers must undergo a rigorous physical by request of the man Mr. Donovan himself.  Even though it seemed like just another excuse to see our ladies in their scoobies there is a plot line delivered.  What seemed like a innocent physical was actually a way our Mr. Donovan could secretly inject nanobots into all the fighters.  We’ll get to the nanobots’ purpose later but this gives us our first ideas that Donovan might not be the nicest fight promoter in the world.  Who wouda thunk?  After the turn your head and coughs are over we get to the beat downs.  Kasumi and Christine Allen easily move on to the next round while Tina Armstrong is asked to fight her father, a Hulk Hogan-esque ex-wrestler.  Don’t worry though, her Dad don’t stand a chance.  This is her flick after all.  Next our flick takes a turn toward the hilarious.  First a sequence of our hotties during the day in between fights.  What to do?  Oh I know, how ’bout a some volleyball!

How else will we show off our bikinis?

After an intense game, Tina is chirped for her next fight.  And let me tell you she comes dressed ready.

Nothing says I'm gonna kick your ass like a jean jacket.

What follows are a few more plot lines involving Christine and her thieving ways, Kasumi evading her honor-bound death sentence, and a lovey dovey interest I won’t go into.  Finally though, we find out what those nanobots were about.  See old Donovan implanted them to monitor all the fighters and basically steal their moves.  We are to believe that the nanobot broadcasts the muscle memory of each fighting style into a device that when worn allows you to in a sense become Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, and Jackie Chan all in one.  What is this device you ask.

Yes, a pair of fucking Oakley sunglasses.

In the final boss sequence Donovan busts them out for a test run.  Of course he can only test them against the best, so he drops the bomb that this whole time he’s been holding Kasumi’s brother prisoner, keeping him in the greatest fighting shape just for this moment.  Well, as you can imagine, all hell breaks loose and it doesn’t end well for the Okes.  The brother fights his ass off, everyone escapes, the sunglasses fall off a cliff, and the DOA compound blows the fuck up.  Wam bam thank you ma’am.  Our flick leaves us with our lovely ladies back at Kasumi’s temple.  I guess Kasumi didn’t have enough fun the first time she laid the smack down on the temple army because she’s back again, and this time she brought friends.  Oh and they all have swords.  Two words army: GO AWOL.

The Verdict:

DOA: Dead or Alive is loosely based on the video game of the same name and honestly this is what probably led me to this flick.  What I found though was your typical modern day karate flick with the added flavor of skimpy swimsuits.  The cast is pretty weak with the only recognizable actors being Eric Roberts as Dr. Victor Donovan and Jaime Pressly as Tina Armstrong.  My favorite was Devon Aoki who played Kasumi.  You might remember has as the sword wielding head choppin off honey from Sin City.  All the fight scenes are nothing new and the story is lacking so it really never gives you much to hold onto.  Really, all you’re left with is hot chicks.  Which I guess aint half bad if you’re watching this flick in the middle of a sausage fest.  At home, maybe watching it with a partner, I say no.  You should pass and wait for the sequel.  I hear it’s gonna be even better.

DOA II: Showdown at the Super 8

Funny Games

2007

Rated R

Directed by: Michael Haneke

Source: Own3d!

Plot: Sort of a yuppie version of The Hills Have Eyes.

Acting: Creepy and awkward.  I was uncomfortable throughout.

Special Effects: Not anywhere near Hostel type gore but still.  As I said.  Uncomfortable.

The Skinny: Don’t let the title fool you.  Funny Games is light on the funny.

We open road trip style, family of three.  They are towing a sailboat.  They are playing name that tune with opera music.  They are screaming yuppie.  It becomes painfully obvious our family is rich and probably on their way to Martha’s Vineyard.  Heavy on smiles and full of laughter, little do they know this will not be the carefree weekend getaway they planned.  Upon arriving they stop at a neighbors to yell a request for help to launch their boat through his rod iron gate.  They pay no attention to the strange men standing with their neighbors or the hesitated responses they received.  Strike one.  When their neighbor visits to help as promised he is accompanied by a strange younger man dressed in white wearing gloves.  He is introduced as a family friend and the boat is launched.  As Mom is inside preparing dinner a knock at the door.  Enter second strange man dressed in white, also wearing gloves.  He introduces himself as a family friend of the neighbors and requests some eggs.  She lets him in.  Strike two.  Soon both men are in her home and she starts to recognize something may be afoot.  Even though they look they’re ready to play a game of cricket that’s not the game they have in mind.  Dad returns from the dock and Mom demands the boys be kicked out.  He reluctantly agrees and attempts to.  Unfortunately for Dad and one swift swing of a 3 wood, their nightmare has just begun.  I’d say strike three but it was a golf club dude used.  So…FORE!!

I can’t even go into the shit that happens the rest of the movie.  Seriously, I don’t want to ruin it for you but remember what I said up there.  Un-com-fort-able!  You know it’s strange though, it’s not like these two guys are scary looking and in fact to me, they look more like a walking definition to teenage angst.

I bet you can't guess where I'll be placing this later?

And his cohort?  Not so much.

Well I guess that unibrow is kind of scary...

Now, the things they do and the games they play with this family are deeply demented.  And this flick is so crazy it basically felt like the directer was cheering them on the whole time.  The family side though was held down by strong performances from Tim Roth as Dad and Naomi Watts as Mom but almost like on purpose they’re tossed aside in favor of our kooky kids Paul and Peter.  And in some cases the family’s torture is actually celebrated.  During one particularly gory scene we are focused on Mom’s attempt to stand with her hands and feet bound.  10 minutes long and no dialogue, just her…struggling.  It’s like Haneke, the director, is daring us to look away.  Speaking of the director, be prepared for a flick that breaks all the rules.  I know it’s cliche but I’m not kidding.  Every rule you grew up with in the horror genre is out the window.  As far as who can and can’t be killed, forget about it.  An obvious foreshadowing knife seen in the beginning of the flick is nonchalantly thrown overboard when it’s discovered later.  And the worst one, when we finally get a tinge of retribution in the form of Mom and a shotgun, it’s quickly erased like pressing rewind on a remote control.  Literally.

The Verdict:

Quite frankly this flick is in my top 5 most disturbing flicks of all time.  Yes, I’m talking Naked Lunch type shit.  But did I like it?  Man, I still can’t tell.  At times I almost wanted to press stop and look away.  On the other hand I almost have to admire how fresh the take was.  When I thought I knew what was coming next I was punched in the gut.  When I felt a tiny bit of hope it was cut opened and ripped out.  In the end I have to admire it.  For something to have me this conflicted, have me still thinking about it a week later, it has to mean something.  And for that, I’d recommend you pop this flick in for Halloween and make yourself some comfort food cuz believe me, that’s all the comfort you gettin.

Like I said. Uncomfortable and disturbing.

If you have seen any of these new tv spots for Levi’s jeans I have one question for you.

When did David Lynch start directing commercials?

Wait, we're selling jeans now? But we still don't know what happened to Laura Palmer yet!

The Last Sin Eater

2007

Rated PG-13

Directed by: Michael Landon Jr.

Source: Netflix

Plot: Old customs like sin-eaters = bad.  Jesus = good.

Acting: A bit laughable although the main character, a 10 year old girl is fantastic.

Special Effects:  Pretty bad.  Looks cut and paste, like my work on photoshop.

The Skinny: I wonder what wine goes best with sin?

Red, I would imagine but unfortunately our flick here does not address this.  Instead it is about a group of Welsh immigrants living in the Appalachian Mountains in the mid 1800’s and specifically focuses on a 10 year old girl named Cadi Forbes. 

I'm gonna have to carry this movie, aren't I?

Our flick experience begins with the passing of her grandma and through early interaction of Cadi and her mother it is quite obvious they have a very strained relationship but at this point all we have to blame is the recent death in the family.  This will soon change.  As is custom they ring the passing bell and the community gathers that night for the grandmother’s burial.  Before they embark a friend of the family warns Cadi of the ritual and the involvement of the sin-eater.  Sin-eating a practice the group brought with them from their old world, involves an individual from the community whom chosen by God will in ritual absolve a person’s sins and therefore allow them to cross in peace into the afterlife.  Pretty nice gig huh?  Wouldn’t you think you’d be respected, maybe held in the highest, live in a mansion on top of the hill?

Nope.

You were basically an outcast, no one looked or talked to you and you probably lived in a van down by the river.  And this was the warning passed on to Cadi.  Whatever you do, do not feed him after midnight.  Wait, wrong flick.  Whatever you do, do not say his name three times.  Sorry, still not right.  Ok, the real warning was do not under any circumstances look the sin-eater in the eyes.  Now we all know what happens when you tell a 10 year old to not do something.  So accordingly during the burial ritual as the sin-eater performs she turns around and gets a full facial of sin-eatery.  This leads to an obsession with the dude and we discover what happened in the past to cause such a rift between mother and daughter.  See Cadi had a younger sister.  Had being the key word there.

Through the second act Cadi enlists the help of a neighbor boy in the quest to find the sin-eater in an attempt to free her from the guilt she feels in the role she played in her younger sister’s death.  Also she picks up an imaginary friend who pops up here and there throughout the rest of the flick giving her advise and help.  Think Obi Wan but if played by Dakota Fanning.  During this time they hit up the old lady of the community in hopes she’ll divulge the whereabouts of our friend the sin muncher.  She shares with them the story of his choosing and importance of his existence.  They do however pull out of her the area where he lives and they’re off.  At this point we are also introduced to a few more important characters.  One being Cadi’s boyfriend’s Dad whom in essence runs this commune.  He is quite hilarious and made me laugh for the duration of the flick.  I know it wasn’t on purpose but really, picture Arnold Schwarzenegger with a Welsh accent.  Yeah it’s this dude.  The other, the only recognizable actor of our flick, is a traveling preacher played by Henry Thomas.  You might remember him as Leo’s friend turned snitch turned dead in Gangs of New York or maybe you’ll remember him as the youngest brother who first had the hottie then had the dead in Legends of the Fall or ok, I got one for you, everybody remembers the adorable E.T. loving little boy Elliot.  Right?  Yep, that’s him. 

Do you like Reese's Pieces?

So anyways, he plays a traveling man of God who befriends the two young-ins and teaches them that in fact there is only one sin-eater and he did that jazz like 1800 years ago.  The Wales version of The Terminator is not too happy with the stranger’s presence and his anti sin-eater views.  This doesn’t bold well for Mr. Thomas and wouldn’t you know it, old sinny has some work to do.  The kids end up finding the cave the sin-eater lives in and during some recon work they find some old cave paintings that reveals and even darker secret about our wonderful Welsh immigrants.  I won’t ruin the surprise but it’s pretty much the same thing that happened to all the indigenous people of this land back then.  The kids confirm with old lady and she decides it’s time to come clean with the commune.  In ringing the passing bell and bringing them all together she unloads the deep black secret the elders have kept all these years.  We get another twist involving how the sin-eater was actually chosen and poof! Commando don’t run things no more.  In the end the group starts to follow this funny little book the traveling preacher left with Cadi and all ends well.  In the closing scene our resident sin-eater trades in his chewing for some good ole fashion baptisms and becomes seemingly the community preacher.

The Verdict:

I thought I might be in trouble during the opening credits when I see the productions companies are made up of Fox Faith and Believe.  Was I in store for some Christian propaganda disguised as a period piece about mountain folklore?  Well sorta.  When you really look at it, the heart of the movie is two things: Welsh people are bad and Jesus is good.  Combine that with the oh so bad special effects (seriously, at one point I thought I was watching a movie on the SCI FI channel) and I might have to tear into odor-eater but honestly, I can not.  Don’t get me wrong, this really is a bad flick and I would never recommend it, well maybe to my born again friends.  What keeps me from crucifying this flick (yes, I did just say that) is the beautiful cinematography.  They really do a wonderful job incorporating the scenery into the flick through great wide angle shots and awesome crane work.  In closing, if you are one to believe this is God’s green Earth then really, you just met this flick’s biggest star.

I pray this flick will rest in peace. Amen.

The Invasion

2007

Rated PG-13

Directed by: Oliver Hirschbiegel

Source: Own3d

Plot: Think Invasion of the Body Snatchers modernized

Acting: Emotionless and monotoned, imagine if Steven Wright ruled the world.

Special Effects: Not much but the microscopic view of the virus as it takes effect is sick!

The Skinny: An emotionless zombie? This will be right in Nicole Kidman’s wheelhouse!

Play nice Meldiana.  But yes, if you are familiar with past Flicker reflections you are aware I do have a sneaking suspicion that Nicole Kidman is indeed a cyborg. 

pictured: Nicole Kidman's acting prowess

Add the male equivalent, Mr. James Bond franchise killa Daniel Craig and we might be in for a snoozefest.  So I put on a pot of coffee and popped this mutha in…

Open to mass media hype machine.  Apparently the space shuttle Patriot during an unscheduled return landing explodes in mid-air and spreads its debris from Dallas to DC.  The CDC is called in when the local nerds discover an alien spore like substance covering the shuttle pieces.  After calling for more tests, the CDC man returns to his limo to brief the president.  As he’s walking, a local yokel steps up handing him a chunk of metal she found on her roof.  He reaches out to retrieve and cuts his finger on the sharp edge.  Oh, that can’t be good.  Then that night while deep in sleep the camera quick pans to his slumbering self and it’s not pretty.  He looks like he was sneezed on.  By the Jolly Green Giant.

Gesundheit!

The next morning we are introduced to Nicole Kidman’s character Carol and her son Oliver.  The tie in?  She is CDC guy’s ex-wife and he is calling her that morning asking to see Oliver, the son he hasn’t seen in four years.  He is, to the surprise of us, snot free and to the surprise of Carol, calm and cool.  She reluctantly agrees but not ’till after a night of trick-n-treatin’ with Mom.  Sporting a Superman costume, Oliver and friends hit the neighborhood.  At one house, inside a dog is freak barking at one of Oliver’s friends.  After the candy is collected and they are walking away, the dog escapes out the front door and makes a bee line for Oliver’s friend.  Amazingly he stands there motionless unafraid of the advancing canine.  The dog reaches him and knocks him over, jaws snapping mere inches from the boy’s face.  The kid, undisturbed simply grabs the dog’s mouth using his hands like a muzzle.  Enter frantic Mom who quickly scoops him up as Oliver and his other friends stare most likely thinking, dude I totally just pissed myself.  At home while the Moms attend to attacked boy Oliver discovers a strange piece of candy in his bag.  Actually it isn’t candy at all and looks like a flake of snot like we saw on the CDC guy.  Kidman’s Carol quickly pockets the booger for later.

Turns out her best friend, Daniel Craig’s character Ben, is a doctor and has access to crazy lab equipment.  She takes said flem flake to him and his labcoat geek buddy with intention of identification.  Ben thinks its some kind of joke but being her best friend, which is man code for I want more but you won’t sleep with me, he passes it on for testing.  What they find is alien.  Turns out this virus or spore thing attaches itself during the host’s REM sleep and transforms the brain, basically hijacking the human body.  Now, during this time the CDC guy is convincing the general public all this is is some kind of flu scare and recommends mandatory innoculations.  Of course they aren’t getting any kind of vaccine, they’re a getting a nice healthy helping of alien snot courtesy of the government.  See this is why I won’t get the flu shot people!

At this point she is second guessing her decision to drop off her son at the ex’s and decides it’s time to recollect.  The lab crew find out a local military base is aware of what’s happening and they plan to make their way there to help develop a cure.  Kidman passes instead to search for her son and I’m sure you guessed, Ben agrees to accompany her.  What ensues seems to be one long chase.  From feet to car to feet again.  The afflicted grow stronger and begin forcing anyone discovered to be sneezed on.  Our good guy group discovers that if you act like them (emotionless, cold, calm) you can fool ‘em.  Next Carol and Ben haphazardly discover a what they believe may be a cure to the alien cold. They discover that a past patient and also her son had both slept but woke up unaffected.  Apparently the thing the two have in common is a past case of encephalitis which is a disease that can affect the make up of the brain which may explain why the virus can’t hold.  During these amazing powers of deduction Ben and Carol become trapped.  Ben sacrifices himself so Carol can escape and she does end up finding Oliver again by fooling the mucus masses.  Unfortunately during their escape she gets a loogy to the face and now can not fall asleep in fear of crossing over.  While Carol and Oliver wait for Ben in a pharmacy she desperately pounds Mountain Dew in order to stay awake.  Fail.  Oliver wakes up to find his Mom snoring and delivers the bad ass moment of our flick.  He grabs a syringe seemingly full of adrenaline and plunges it into her heart.  As he slams the plunger Carol shoots up to a sitting position with the alien sickness in the beginning stages showing on her face.  Take that Mom, I just saved you!

I better get a flickin' pony for my next birthday.

In the mean time Ben finally shows up but he brings a friend.  See somewhere in his escape he must have caught a cat nap and whoops woke up acting like Mr. Rogers.  Carol and Ollie narrowly escape with a well placed bullet and find a car outside.  As they drive the labcoat from before calls her cell from a helicopter above.  They are here to rescue them but she must get to the roof of some high rise.  More car chases but this one includes a reverse clown car sequence. 

See cuz they're on the OUTSIDE of the car....oh nevermind.

Oh happy ending.  They make it to the roof and are rescued.  Back at the base labcoat develops a cure through the use of Oliver’s blood.  The military delivers the vaccine via helicopter and happily ever after.  Remember the well placed bullet and Ben?  Yeah it was in the kneecap so he gets his dream after all.  We close on the new family reading the newspaper as the world gets back to business as usual.  Yep, the headline reads of war in the middle east.  Maybe being a placid alien transportation device wasn’t all that bad.

The Verdict:

This flick is yet another film adaptation of the 1955 novel The Body Snatchers.  Maybe not as strong as the original Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) or as classic as the 1978 remake, surprisingly The Invasion holds it own.  I think the fact Mr. and Mrs. Robot were cast as leads helped the cause.  Both Kidman in pretending and Craig in actually being infected was very convincing.  The stoic faces, the blank stares.  Usually I would be baggin’ on them for this, but it worked quite well here.  The modern version of the snatcher story was well thought with the shuttle disaster to the flu scare with mass innoculations.  The chase sequences did seem a bit common place and the mega crowd on car part reminded me of a Matrix movie.  Turns out the studio wasn’t too happy with the first cut of this flick and ended up hiring the Wachowski brothers to rewrite and help re shoot.  So I’m guessing they might have a hand in the chase scenes.  All in all though if you liked the Body Snatcher flicks or  the idea of an alien version of the flu infecting the masses intrigues you, then I would recommend this flick.  Go in with medium pace expectations and you’ll be alright.  Just bring some Kleenex dudes, you don’t want to leave with the sniffles.

Don't hold it in, achoo might like this flick dude!

Cashback

2006

Rated R

Directed by: Sean Ellis

Source: Netflix

Plot: In a strange way this flick is an infomercial for insomnia.

Acting: Uses a narrative format, get ready for lots of British accents.

Special Effects: Our protagonist can freeze time and it’s expressed with uber cool.

The Skinny: Meldiana accuses me of queuing this flick based solely on the dvd cover art.

Hey, that’s not entirely true.  The at a glance did mention an ability to freeze time and you know I like a good super hero flick.  Well, this is not a super hero flick.  Basically, our hero only uses this power to sketch hot chicks.  Which, don’t get me wrong, is the exact same super power that I wished for when I was a kid. (ed. note: actually The Flicker still wishes for it.)  But the use stopped there.  No savings of the world, not even a single damsel in distress.  Dude, didn’t you ever see Spiderman?  With great power comes great responsibility, man!  But I guess, different strokes for different folks. 

Anyhoo, Cashback opens as our man Ben, an art school student, is getting just tore up verbally by this chick in slow motion.  We are soon to find out that she is his now ex-girlfriend and apparently he did not let her down easy.  You’ll recognize our hero Ben as Harry Potter’s Quidditch mentor from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.  So after he kicks his girlfriend to the curb he immediately gets break-up remorse and this leads to a super bad case of insomnia.  With the ensuing sleepless nights he finally decides to put his time to good use and gets a job working the night shift at the local grocery store.  Here he meets all the garden variety wacky characters.  You know; the weird chick, the wannabe dare devil, the goofy looking dude, and the overzealous manager.  Each finds their own way to make the time go by and here we do find quite a few funny gems.  One night, while the boss is away, the dare devil and goofy looking dude decide to have a scooter race.  It doesn’t end well.

Where are the flickin' brakes on these things?!?

Now, during these long nights the Quidditch star discovers his secret talent of freezing time.  Enter boobs.  A lot of boobs.  See being the art student and everything he uses his power to really appreciate the beauty of women.  Sketching them as you guessed with their tops off.  Of course it’s put to you like one of his art classes and he’s drawing a nude model but if you ask me, Quiddy is one pair of creepy glasses away from being a sex offender.  Through all this he slowly develops a crush on the weird cashier chick.  And wouldn’t you know Miss Piggly Wiggly kinda likes him back.  He walks her home one night which leads to by far the most awkward first kiss ever.  I seriously cringed.  Surprisingly she finds this endearing and when the boss man throws a birthday party for himself, she asks Ben to be her date.  Next, Mr. Artsy Fartsy gets a phone call from the local art gallery informing him they are interested in his work and he should stop by with his portfolio.  Uh oh things are going too well, I bet something bad is going to happen at the party.  Sorry, I take my shot of predictable with a sarcasm chaser.

But OMG guess who is also at the party, well its the ass chewing ex-girlfriend from the beginning of the flick.  And wouldn’t you know it while the Quid man is standing in line for the loo she corners him and wants him back.  Oh no! but Ben’s new squeeze is looking up the stairs at them just as the ex leans in for a kiss.  Of course the new girl doesn’t see Ben push the ex away.  Yep, she’s already headed for the door.  Poor Quid, dude tries to freeze time but the damage is already done.  He follows her home and knocks on her door.  As she opens it we get slow motion bitch out number two.  Wow, and things were going so well.  Who could have seen that coming?  So Ben hangs his head low and walks home.  Hey at least he still has that art gallery thing tomorrow, that could turn out good.  Right?

Wrong.  It was actually his two prank lovin’ coworkers who called him and the art gallery has no idea who the hell he is.  But just as Quid the Eskimo couldn’t feel any colder the art gallery dude peeks down at a few drawings spilling out of Ben’s portfolio.  Hey lemme see that for a second.  Wow, you really are talented.  Do you have more of these?  See, all is right with the world.  Freezing time and drawing boobies can get a guy ahead in these tough economic times.  And hey Quiddy, I bet if you invite your cashier honey to the show, she’ll come and see all these wonderful drawings of herself and fall deeply in love with your craziness.  Thanks for the advise Flicker.  Anytime bro.

The Verdict:

Cashback is based on a short film of the same name.  The short film won a bunch of awards and was even nominated for an academy award.  Even though it got its ass kicked by a musical based on rival falafel stand owners (totally true) someone with deep pockets thought it must have been good enough to develop into a feature film.  I really wish I would have been there that day because instead I would have suggested a high five to their face.  Don’t get me wrong, I watched the short film and it was good.  Funny, great concept, and I did sense there was potential to develop the story.  Unfortunately, the same writer of the short story didn’t do a good job of expanding his initial idea.  It felt painfully slow through the second act and during I kept remembering an earlier line of the flick where Quidditch boy is in the depth of his insomnia and makes reference to time passing as if minutes were hours and seconds were minutes.  Yeah, it was kinda like that.  Truly, this flick is what it is: a short story stretched to cover 90 minutes.  A piece of lean meat that gave me no fat to chew on.  In fact (and I can’t believe I’m even gonna say this) during the frozen time sequences the nudity appears quite gratuitous.  Wow, I think my Maxim card is going to be revoked for that.  Seriously though, my biggest huh? moment of this flick is the ending.  The warm and fuzzy, boy gets girl after all moment happens when she attends his art exhibition to find every piece of art is of her.  Seriously, every sketch in all different medias; her.  As she stared agape around the room at herself I thought, in the real world this woman would be thinking two words: restraining order!  But alas, stalkerazzi be naught, she realizes his love for her burns true and dashes away with him through frozen time snow.  Damn, why didn’t I try this on Amy Gilliland in the 6th grade.  In closing, this flick did have some funny parts and the freezing time thing was sweet but overall it was long, a bit boring, and felt like getting a reverse armbar from some jerk face jock.  Mmhmm, total 6th grade.

Man, that Tony Termite was such a doosh to me back then!